I remember growing up, secrets were a big thing. The “secret-teller” would circle their hands around the ear of the “secret-hearer” and whisper so loudly that the entire room could hear.
When a person decides to share private, intimate information about themselves with you, essentially they are saying, “I trust you.”
1. I trust that you won’t share this information with anyone else.
2. AND, I trust that you won’t treat me any differently after I share my secret.
In a healthy friendship, secrets can actually help strengthen the relationship. But how about in a marriage? What if your spouse delivered a bombshell AFTER you got married?
I understand why people may keep secrets. Maybe their spouse would never have married them if they knew some of the things that weren’t disclosed. However, to go into a marriage hiding things that could have been “deal-breakers” is really nothing more than lying.
So, why is marriage different that a healthy friendship? Aren’t husbands and wives supposed to be friends that love each other unconditionally?
The difference is…in a marriage, we enter into a contractual, covenant relationship with each other. Your issues become my issues. And I should be able to choose which issues I want to be a part of my life. This can only happen when there is full disclosure.
What do you think… Should there be any secrets when you are married? Or are there just some things from the past you should keep quiet?
9 comments:
Lee,I strongly feel that when two become one...that is just what should occur-- "Two should become one"! Anything that affects one will definitely,affect the other partner. My heart is heavy because after being married almost 3 years...(this being the second time for both of us)there are things that I still don't know. Now, I wouldn't dare be so petty and shallow to fixate on this topic if it wasn't about matters of security, life and death. Real basic information such as what to do, who to call, doctors, etc. in the event of an emergency are being kept. I don't know what this is all about. I have asked, I have posted information on our refridgerator in our home so that in the event HE needs to reach out to anyone...he is covered. The bottom line here is that I don't feel covered. I let this go for a long time but I am trying to be a "grownup" and put my ducks in a row...I have a child and he has one. I would never ever want to see either of them go without in the event we are called to leave this Earth. I just want them same security. I should also say that there was a time about a year ago where some EARTH SHATTERING/ DEAL BREAKING info came to my attention and we, through time, professional counseling (I also sought spiritual counseling) were able to work things out...but I now look back and wonder...if he kept that info...what else is there??? I am not doing well with this. I am one to put everything out on the table. Granted I had a full life before I remarried but there are no secrets on my end.
There should be not secrets between married persons. They do pop up, though. They have in my relationship. Its how you deal with them that will determine the future. Thank God that I am a level headed calm person, because others may have dealt with my situation differently. Once I found out, the secret, we made steps to deal with, and correct, the problem, together. I also realized that my reaction, as the 'head' was going to set the tone in our home, so it was important for me to set a positive, not negative atmosphere.
I believe a secret that is kept that could be a deal breaker is not playing fair. Hence, no wonder why the divorce rate is so high because relationships have turned into a game. Men and women calculate instead of communicate. So, when you treat relationships like a business then I guess the odds of making a profit are 50/50. Now, if we stick with the business analogy, the truly successful are those that take risks and are innovative. Sometimes being truthful is risky, but it is those who take risks that usually have the most to gain. And, if playing it safe means lying or keeping a secret, well need I say more? I think a man or woman who puts the truth on the table, deals all his/her cards, has the greatest chance at being happily married. Because it is only this way that one can know if they have unconditional love. You may feel vulnerable, naked and scared taking the chance/risk. But, it is the ultimate sign of intelligence, respect and maturity for yourself and for the other person. And really, people doing it any other way, need not be so selfish as to instead of taking the risk themselves, risk making someone else unhappy because they were a punk.
Marjorie,
I am the author of the first posting and I really respect your point of view. Ideally, I would love to feel 50/50 but I think what is happening is that as long as I don't cross a certain line (i.e. ask a question about the "hidden" information) then all is fine! The minute the topic comes up...you would think I committed a federal crime. I am beginning to suspect that there may be more going on than just a little bit and that is why he gets so defensive over it. His behavior truly concerns me--more and more. Sad, but true!
Oh my God, just when I thought I had this marriage thing together this question... We are also a blended family, both were single parents to his two, my one and one together. I has been really tough and we are not really blended as I imagined it would. We don't have the ex's problem, both are long out of the picture and the kids are old enough now to deal with the other parents without our involvement.
I pray all the time my husband doesn't find out a lot of things in my past. While I was reading this post, however, he was in the room so I asked him what would have been a deal-breaker)or what we refer to as a show-stopper)? He couldn't think of anything so he stated, "It's too late now, after 5 years". I only have one deal-breaker and that is if you were/are a down-low brotha. I live in a glass house.
Sande,
I admire your husbands response. It takes a big person to come to a place like that. I don't know that I could/can be that way. There is nothing that I hope my spouse finds out about my past...because he knows it all. I feel that my honesty is probably what he admires about me...even when, he cannot be so open himself. My issue is this...what happens when your past, clearly isn't your past and you may have/must have carried it into your present and perhaps will carry it into your future and it could very well affect those you love? I think that secrets can do a great deal of damage to couples...
My greatest fear is that the "secrets" will greatly affect my marriage. I see the signs already!
Sorry, I didn't answer the question or maybe I did... I think some things are best left unsaid. However, I probably won't feel that way if someone else happened to reveal the secret before I had the chance to tell the entire truth to my husband.
Well this is indeed a very interest situation indeed I would have to say it depends on what it is, some things are better not said…
But if the items are or will be impact full to the relationship/marriage they need to be disclosed!
Smith
personally, I feel that some secrets are best left unsaid.
Why u ask?
Because it only creates pain and hurt feelings.
Sometimes its just better not to know somethings..
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