Mommy, What Color Am I?

With the increase of interracial couples, it makes sense that there has been a sharp increase in the number of bi-racial children. (See entries on Black Enough? and Jungle Fever)

Two consenting adults have made a decision to be together, and to love each other despite the personal and societal difficulties. However, by having children, they have also decided (whether actively or passively) to expose their innocent children to a very unique set of challenges.

One of the major challenges is the idea of identity. Yes--all children ask the "Who am I?" question at some point in their lives, but for a bi-racial child, the question takes on additional complexity. "I'm not Black, I'm not White, I'm not Chinese, I'm not Mexican, etc."

Living in a society that simply wants to label and categorize people doesn't help, either. Some of the terms that are used to describe bi-racial individuals are not exactly flattering: Mixed, Half-breeds, Oreos.

What counsel would you give to the parents of bi-racial children? How would you address the issue of identity?

(I'd like to recommend a good book that deals with this issue directly, The Color of Water by James McBride.)

Jungle Fever

In one of the comments on the entry Black Enough, the question was asked,

"Why do so MANY black successful men marry WHITE WOMEN?"

Interestingly enough, just a few days ago, I met an African-American medical doctor who was shopping with his daughter. It was very clear that his daughter was the product of a bi-racial union.

In other words, "a White woman got another one of the good Black men."

Have you ever heard this statement? Whether it's athletes, entertainers, or corporate executives, seeing "successful" Black men with White women seems to leave a bad taste in people's mouths.

So I've got two questions today:

1. As the commenter asked, "Why do so many successful Black men marry White women?", and

2. Why is it such a problem?

Saving the World...Right at Home

I'm feeling a bit philosophical today.

Here's the setting...I am currently working at a large corporation. Making enough money to pay the bills, and stop by McDonalds every now and then. Yet, I feel like there's a whole lot more I should be doing with my life.

Shouldn't I be doing something about this gang situation? Aren't there some non-profit organizations that could really benefit from having someone with my skills and experiences? Couldn't I be doing something that makes more of an impact?

Well, here's the other side of the coin...I am earning an honest living. By doing so, I have put my family--my children especially--in a position where they can get a solid education and observe the reality of getting up every day and going to work.

So I may not be saving the world "out there", but maybe I am contributing to the welfare of the world by building up individuals I'm accountable for "right here".

Rachelle Ferrell used to sing a song with the following lyrics:

"How can we heal the wounds of the world, if we cannot heal our own?
Where does peace on Earth begin, if not in the home?"

Any thoughts on this?

AAA to the (Relationship) Rescue

To start the new year, I've asked my friend and brother, Hasani Pettiford, to grab the pen and share some wisdom around the subject, Relationships. Hasani is a respected author and speaker and I encourage you to visit his website, www.hasani.com, for more information. He writes...

Many of us have New Year’s Resolutions we seldom stick to. After about a month we slip back into a state of normalcy and wind up just where we started. But 2007 will be different.

This year I am dedicating my resolution to creating a 5-Star Marriage through AAA Service. Not the emergency roadside assistance most of you are used to, but the emergency bedside assistance that is required to maintain a phenomenal relationship. Each A in AAA stands for something different: Affection, Attention & Affirmation. All three A’s meet your spouse’s emotional needs.

Today’s focus is on Affection. Quite simply, affection is the expression of love. It symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval. There are many ways to express affection: A simple hug, a greeting card, or an "I love you" note; a bouquet of flowers; holding hands; walks after dinner; back rubs; phone calls; and conversations with thoughtful and loving expressions. All can communicate affection.

Affection is the essential cement of a relationship. We can all use a little more affection in our relationship.

What unique ideas do you have that show expressions of affection?

Gang Violence (Day Two)

With this being such a serious topic, I don't want to leave it just yet.

PLEASE...share your thoughts and pass the link along to others for their comments.

***Click here for yesterday's post***

Gang Violence: What do you expect me to do?

Asbury Park recently experience it's 7th murder in 2006. (see article). A 21-year old woman was killed by a single bullet to her head.

In most of these deaths, the victims were young people, and the crimes were gang-related.

Gangs? Bloods and Crips in Central New Jersey?

I am really having a hard time understanding how these gangs are becoming so popular in these small towns, as well as the larger cities. Yes, I realize the need for "family" and "community", but I have a hard time comprehending how a person can join a group that is potentially so deadly.

How does this happen and what can we do to protect our children?

The Year-End Blues

Approaching the end of the year can be a depressing experience. We are forced to reflect upon the plans and resolutions that were NOT accomplished, and this can be disheartening.

"The diet(s) didn't work--and I'm bigger now than I was at the end of last year."

"I started a savings plan, but those funds are depleted and I actually have more debt than I did last year."

"My relationship with my spouse seems to be in the same condition it was a year ago."

"I'm still working this same dead-end job!"

"I really thought 2006 was going to be MY YEAR."

These are very common sentiments. Many people start off the year with hope and fervor, but something happens at some point during the year, and we revert back to our old patterns and habits.

I'm sure you're saying, "I want 2007 to be a better year for me. How do I avoid the tendency to fall back into my old ways of doing things?"

So, I'm soliciting the advice and counsel of our audience...

What does a person need to do to ensure that 2007 is a productive and developmental year?

A Little Advice For a Frustrated Wife

Given the information provided, how would you counsel a woman in her situation...

I have been married for almost 8 years, and my husband just can’t keep a job! I don’t think he’s held a job longer than a year. In fact, there have been times when he doesn’t work for 12 months.

Needless to say, I work. I have no choice! And I really don’t mind working--but with 4 kids, it is really a strain trying to work and keep up my home. Without a steady income from my husband, I can't afford to pay the bills, put food on the table, and buy all the clothes they need. It's simply impossible.

Since my children are a little older now, I decided to pick up a part-time job to try to help ends meet. But my husband really doesn’t like me working at night. So, that has created a lot of tension between us.

My husband has never put his hands on me, but sometimes I really feel like I'm being abused. He takes advantage of me because he knows that I'm not going to let our children go without.

We have separated a few times in the past, and each time, we get back together to try to make the marriage work. We are both Christians, and we met with our pastor a number of times. All he tells us to do is stay together and work it out. (Not a whole lot of practical advice if you ask me…) We are both very faithful in our church--always praising God. And to be honest, this is another cause for my anger. Even though my husband constantly hears about how a husband is supposed to work and take care of his family, very little changes in terms of his behavior.

What am I supposed to do? I am always stressed out and the stress is starting to affect me physically.

The Truth is Welcome Here

In response to my recent blog, Can you keep a secret?, anonymous made a very interesting statement...

Its how you deal with (secrets) will determine the future...Once I found out the secret, we made steps to deal with, and correct, the problem, together. I also realized that my reaction... was going to set the tone in our home, so it was important for me to set a positive, not negative atmosphere.

A person will only expose their true feelings and issues to a person that they trust.

So, if I want the truth, then I need to create an atmosphere that is truth-friendly. In other words, I trust that when I tell you something, you won't flip out or faint.

I remember sharing some challenging things with my parents as a teenager, not know how they would respond. I thought that their response would ultimately result in me having 4 fewer teeth in my mouth.

However, their genuine concern and understanding created a setting that freed me to be honest.

Are you an easy person to be honest with? Do you create an environment that frees your loved ones to share their secrets with you?

What’s thine is mine

Dwayne and I worked together on this one...

I was amazed at the response to the Gift Bag story. You all seemed to get a real kick out of my pain (smile). However, I think that we can generally conclude that there really is a major difference between how men and women perceive certain things. In situations like the gift bag scenario, being different is really no big deal. However, with other issues—like money—the differences can create some serious tension.

In my own personal quest for financial independence, I’ve learned that much of a person’s financial attitudes and behaviors were shaped while they were children. We learned our lessons about money either by explicit instruction, observation, or remained in the dark due to lack of exposure. Whatever we know, or don’t know about money, we bring it all into our marriages.

I don’t have any hard evidence to share, but I’m told that the top 3 “issues” that plague and/or end a large percentage of marriages are money, sex, and children. Clearly, money is a big issue in relationships.

I realize that every house does what works for them, so I’m interested in hearing your thoughts on this…

Should married couples share a joint banking account?
	Yes - We need to be on the same page.
	No - We need to maintain some individuality.
	Yes and No - 1 joint account and 2 other separate accounts
	Another idea - Add a comment
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Fathers: What Legacy are you Leaving?

"When you have seen me, you have seen my father." - Jesus

Your children are living testimonies of who you are. Whether you care for and nurture them, or deny and neglect them, your children are witnesses to who YOU are.

Long after you leave this earth, your offspring will remain and reveal things about you.

I wonder...

If we were to look at your children, what would their appearance say about you?

If we were to talk to your children, what would their conversation reveal about you?

How much have you poured into them?

How much have you taken from them?

Please understand...when you do right by your children, you do right by yourself.

(I hope you have enjoyed this week's discussion on fatherhood. Please share the link with others--especially fathers--to get their comments and feedback.)

Identity Theft (Fatherhood Part IV)

Many of our last names are really the first names of our fathers (or the patriarchal side of our families)-Johnson, Stevenson, Jackson. Other cultures do this as well with surname prefixes like de-, ben-, van-, Mc-.

Fathers were a covering for their children. They protected and provided for their offspring. So, you could tell about a family's economic status by their last name (i.e. Carnegie, Rockefeller). The father's last name also revealed certain things abou the character of the family. Even today, we judge individuals based on the family's reputation: "You know those Petersons are good people", or "I wouldn't get involved with those Joneses. You just can't trust 'em."

As a result, much of the identity of a person is found in the father.

Our current state in life is largely a result of the conditions and decisions of those who came before us. I heard a wise woman say, "You don't know who you are unless you know where you came from."

Therefore, a child's identity is rooted in the lives of his/her mother and father, their mothers and fathers, and so on...

I believe that parents have the responsibility of teaching their children about who they are.

But what happens when a father is either absent or silent? Who is there to tell the child a fair account of that side of their history.

In essence, when a father doesn't do it, half of their identity has been stolen.

Fatherhood: Someone is Depending on You

(This week, I am dealing with the subject: Fatherhood. Take a minute to also review my entries on Monday and Tuesday.)

Every year, the company I work for has "open enrollment". During this time, I complete my designations for the medical benefits for the upcoming year. The health insurance company wants to know how many dependents I have. Essentially, they are trying to find out how many people, besides me, are going to be covered on my insurance plan.

But why do they use the word dependents? Are they saying that there are other human beings that actually depend on me for their well-being?

The answer is yes!

Your children didn't volunteer to be your dependents. Let me say it another way...You children didn't ask to be brought into this world. When you engaged in the world famous "conception ritual", you simultaneously agreed to raise, train, and provide for that dependent until they became independent themselves.

Fathers, as our children grow up, they need our provision, protection, guidance, and support. The bottom line is, our children depend on our love.

Don't let them down.

Who Let the Dogs IN?

Here's an entry that I'm hoping will generate some conversation...

The last time I checked, men don't have babies. Though they are critical to reproduction process, women are the ones that actually carry, deliver, and care for most of the world's newborn children.

I'll cut to the chase: Why is that women allow men entrance into "the sacred place" when there is a significant risk of conceiving a child with a male that is probably hanging around just long enough to check the missed calls on his cell phone?

One of our earlier commentors, "brothasgonnaworkitout", said that when we scrutinize irresponsible people, we will probably find an enabler very close by.

Is that the case with our precious young ladies? Are they just enabling our young men--giving them permission to be sorry by making "the goods" available at very little cost? If no one is forcing our males to be responsible fathers, what makes us think they will be?

I'm curious about the type of women that allow these dogs to get in.

Please share your insights/comments/opinions:

Is there a Father in the House?

I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that I am currently working on a video project about Fatherhood. (see Personal Responsibility)

I am exploring the impact that growing up without a father present in the home has on a person as they grow up and have relationships of their own.

There appears to be some situations that can clearly be linked to not having a father present in the home: girls grow up and seek love from men that take advantage of their vulnerability; boys grow up to be "just like their daddies", and make babies across town without taking any responsibility for them.

On the other hand, though, I've seen folks who grow up without fathers and do just the opposite. They grow up to be super parents, vowing never to have their children experience the same pain that they endured.

I'd love for you to share your observations and experiences on the following...

How does not having a father growing up impact a person in their relationships as an adult?

Love is Not Enough

Everyone talks about how high the divorce rate is. And it really is sad that, statistically, marriages have less than a 50% chance of remaining intact.

I was thinking...Of the many individuals who are no longer married, how many of them really still love their former spouse? I personally believe that number is pretty high.

The love is still there, but the marriage has fallen apart.

If this is true, I would have to conclude that the marriage failed due to a lack of interpersonal or relationship skills--not a lack of love.

I'm learning from my 11 years of marriage that for a marriage to work, then the individuals have to work. They need certain skills, knowledge, and maturity to make the PARTNERSHIP of marriage work. It is not going to be a successful marriage simply because the two love each other.

Unfortunately, these principles and skills are not typically taught. And too often, irreparable damage is done before the couple can figure out HOW to build a successful relationship.

Marriage is a union that requires life-long learning, listening, and growing...because love alone just isn't enough.

Where did you meet your “Boo”?

Earlier this month, I celebrated my 11th wedding anniversary. During our recent vacation in southern California, my “Boo” (my wife, that is) and I re-visited the place where we met 21 years ago. We were kids, in Los Angeles, with our families for a church convention.



Though some of the details of that fateful meeting are not crystal clear, I will always remember the place we met. The name of the hotel has changed a few times since we met, but it is still there—and our visit provoked a lot of great memories.


My mom and dad met nearly 40 years ago. I was able to capture HIS version of that meeting as a part of a video documentary that I did to celebrate his most recent birthday. (Click on the triangle to watch the video)



Write back (by clicking the comments tab below) and let me know when, where, and how you met YOUR Boo.