Given the information provided, how would you counsel a woman in her situation...
I have been married for almost 8 years, and my husband just can’t keep a job! I don’t think he’s held a job longer than a year. In fact, there have been times when he doesn’t work for 12 months.
Needless to say, I work. I have no choice! And I really don’t mind working--but with 4 kids, it is really a strain trying to work and keep up my home. Without a steady income from my husband, I can't afford to pay the bills, put food on the table, and buy all the clothes they need. It's simply impossible.
Since my children are a little older now, I decided to pick up a part-time job to try to help ends meet. But my husband really doesn’t like me working at night. So, that has created a lot of tension between us.
My husband has never put his hands on me, but sometimes I really feel like I'm being abused. He takes advantage of me because he knows that I'm not going to let our children go without.
We have separated a few times in the past, and each time, we get back together to try to make the marriage work. We are both Christians, and we met with our pastor a number of times. All he tells us to do is stay together and work it out. (Not a whole lot of practical advice if you ask me…) We are both very faithful in our church--always praising God. And to be honest, this is another cause for my anger. Even though my husband constantly hears about how a husband is supposed to work and take care of his family, very little changes in terms of his behavior.
What am I supposed to do? I am always stressed out and the stress is starting to affect me physically.
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22 comments:
You are not the only one frustrated. A lot of my friends are dealing with similar situations with their husbands. It just seems like men are big babies. The man is suppose to be the backbone of the house in terms of providing for everybody. I admire your strength, but it seems like your health is starting to crack because of the pressure. If marriage is a partnership, then your spouse is not holding up his end of the deal and really is not acting like a partner. Not only is he hurting things now, he is giving your kids the impression that it's OK to be a sorry man!
From Ken- There must be some reason that your husband is unable to maintain steady work. It is probably a symptom of a bigger issue. I would suggest that you move beyond the surface and examine the core of what is really the contributing factor. Meanwhile, the burden of supporting the family should be a shared responsibility. A man's self esteemed is consistently weakened when he is not able to provide for his family for whatever reason. Any man who wants to work can find a job. It may not be the work he really wants but he must see it as a means to an end. In short, I would suggest that you show him how to become empowered by addressing the real issue instead of making him feel like he is merely another mouth to feed so that his worth is not measured by his earnability. Lastly, be sure that you are not enabling the very behavior you are trying to arrest.
I am a little confused. Does he know, and understand, what his role is? The wife is doing a lot. There must be something going on with this man, deeper than we have been told. Maybe he is repeating behavior that he learned growing up? He doesnt want her to work at night, yet he isn't bringing in any money? There are lots of questions for me. I'm really at a loss for words. A man should be providing financially, and other ways for his family. When that is not happening, and the wife's health is affected, there is a HUGE problem. I dont know what to recommend to her. I am really surprised.
This is easy the biblical and manhood/life process is for a husband to be the head of the house and the family.
He is the Leader and is to provide income and help out in every area in the family unit.
If this is not happening it is because he does not want to… it is important that he leads by example in every area of your relationship.
Now if he does not help this puts additional drama on you and the rest of the family.
I am not telling you to get rid of him but life is short and I would not put up with this much longer.
I am writing a book about the 4 quarter of life do not let this man mess up the 4 quarter of your life and have you not able to enjoy the quarters of life as presented to you.
Dr. Smith
It's so sad to say that so many women are dealing with this bad behavior from their significant others. Women are raising boys, not men and they are no good to anybody, including themselves. That head of the household business should apply only to men whose deeds indicate what a real man does when he has a family. My suggestion, since you are doing everything anyhow, is to get rid of the bum. Send him back to his mother's house and let her have the headache.
It is difficult to advise anyone based solely on the information given....there are always three sides....his, her's and the absolute truth. The fact that you've asked help from your pastor is admirable. However, not every pastor is qualified to counsel. You should seek out a Christian counselor (professional) to try to find out just why your husband isn't able to hold down a job. Is it his lack of education or skills, so that he's only qualified for entry level positions? Do you earn more than he does, and he can't handle that? Are you an enabler, who complains about the situation, but never offers him anything to encourage him or make him feel like a leader? There are just too many unanswered questions here. But, the fact that you are both faithful to the church means you are a step ahead of many couples. I will say again to seek professional counseling from someone who may be able to offer both spitual as well as down-to-earth commom sense advice. Eight years is a long investment....too long to give up now. I shall remember to keep you in prayers that you will be victorious in your endeavors.
Frustrating situation indeed! I would advise you seek the counsel of a social worker trained to deal with maritial issues. I have sought counseling of Pastors before but sometimes they don't get to the root of the psychological or emotional issues that need to be address. If you want to work on it -- continue to be faithful to your belief but just know that his behavior is not going to change overnight.
This is meant to encourage. To the wife the only advice i can give to you is to stay before God in prayer in regard to your situation. Pray and continue to pray for God for your husband to get and keep a job. Someone said earlier that your husband has/believed they're underlying isssues preventing him from keeping a job, I believe that whole heartedly. This unstable behavior started somewhere in his childhood. If he does'nt want you to work extra he's going to have to pick up the slack. I will pray with you.
YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING BY TAKING CARE OF YOUR FAMILY, HOWEVER I DO AGREE IT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER IF YOUR HUSBAND WERE WORKING.FIRST OF ALL YOU MUST CONTINUE TO PRAY AND KEEP YOUR HEAD UP BECAUSE YOUR TIME IS NEAR.YOU HAVE DONE MORE THAN YOUR PART AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CONTINUE TO DO SO AND PUT THE REST IN GOD'S HANDS.I WAS TOLD ONCE BEFORE THAT, BEFORE GOD BLESSES YOU HE SENDS YOU ADVERSITY TO SEE HOW WILL HANDLE IT, AND FROM THAT HE KNOWS IF YOUR READY OR NOT.TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT; AS LONG AS YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR BUSINESS YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
Did you ever hear, "You can do bad by yourself"? I'm not advising you to leave your husband. I love the Lord too. I do also believe we place ourselves in situations that may not be best for us. Trust him that if you do separate, it may be for the best. He will provide "All" your needs and you don't have to look back. I agree with Belinda, a man has a very powerful position and role in the home. They are a big influence on children and how they function. The lazyness will have a huge impact on your children if you don't make the necessary changes. I was one of those children, mother with a great work ethic and father who didn't do much until they separated. Just something to consider.
Why don't you take a paid leave of absence from your current place of employment(if you can)and see what happens. You are not living in a Biblically based household. It's strikes me as ironic that your spouse can join you in Praising God but cannot lead His Family in the way in which he has been mandated too. I also would suggest that you find an outside Christian Counselor, who knows neither one of you (to avoid prejudice). And, Finally.... seek the face of God!!!!!!! EARNESTLY!!!! Aren't you tired of living for appearances sake.
(Children are resilent, not ignorant)
Your husband may e=be exhibiting signs of depression. Suggest he get checked for that. Staying in a marriage where one partner is not contributing is setting a poor example for your sons. They will probably follow that example into their own relationships. Is that what you want? You Pastor is NOT doing his job as a counselor (I am a "Preacher's Kid" myself.) Seek counseling from a qualified counselor and find out what options you have. You dod NOT have to stay in this "go nowhere" relationship. You do not have to take that abuse. Seek out WOMAN SPACE or some similar agency for help (if not for you, for your sons' futures!!).
YOU AS A CHRISTIAN NEED TO STAND ON THE WORD OF GOD.IF A MAN DON'T WORK HE DON'T EAT EIGHT YEARS IS TOO LONG TO GO THROUGH. YES YOU HAVE TALKED WITH YOU PASTOR AND THAT'S GOOD BUT YOUR PASTOR IS HEARING TWO SIDES OF A STORY IF TIME TO STEP OUT ON FAITH AND TRUST GOD.HE'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU OUT THERE TO DRY.SOMETIMES WE GET HUNG UP ON WHAT PEOPLE THINK WHERE DO YOUR HELP COME FROM. SURELY NOT THAT OTHER PERSON IN YOUR BED SEX IS ONLY A BONUS IN A RELATIONSHIP
From a man's perspective, it bothers me that men like this give other men a bad name. It's men like your husband that have women scared to really love the good men. (I know that doesn't help your situation, but I needed to vent)
I hope he dont try to act like the head of the house, because the authority over the house comes from taking responsbility for the house.
Forget the counseling and meeting with the pastor and all that stuff, get some of your brothers or cousins (that have jobs) and let them "talk to him" (if you know what I mean!)
Any time a man leaves his post as being head of the house and the sista has to take lead, there is no need to try and persuade him to own up to his responsibility. I understand exactly what the sister is going thru I lived(live) it. I have decided to move on with my life and enjoy my happiness. I could no longer attend the same church as he, yet I stayed in the organization. We can no longer go to the pastor and say I am having marrital problems I have done all I can and no longer want to be in this marriage,I want to separate should I say divorce? Their first reaction is to say stay and pray. We can no longer do that, especially if the man first don't realize that he has a problem. I was listening to a sermon about Hannah. She was a praying woman. It wasn't until I had to stop being selfish and learn to pray for the father of my children. See my sistah I can't say my husband, he gave up that title a long time ago when I had to work 2 jobs and take care of the responsibilities. My dear sistah if you want your marriage to work think on this wise and understand people will not always give the best advice as I read some of the comments. You yourself have to look inside you and see what you want. Don't be ashamed of what the people in the church will say because they have their opinion. Hannah seeked God when she was in her deepest distress, because she realized that only God could answer her questions, and that only He could provide the consolation and purpose in life she so desperately sought. If you want your marriage to work, speak to your husband and lay down some ground rules and give him a set time of what your expectations are. See he can't give any because he gave up his post when WOMAN took lead. Believe it or not your children has already been damaged of what they have seen in the house. Been there done that. I am a saved social worker and I accept nothing from a jelly back man that lacks in his responsibility as a man. THE HEAD OF THE HOUSE yeah right. In closing remember whatever the our distress, whatever hard situations we face, God is willing more than that He is eager to meet our needs and give us his grace and comfort. No other person not husband, closest friends, nor our parents, not our children can render the relief and support and encouragement that our God has waiting for us. You must decide what you want and as long as it is in the WILL of God you will succeed. Tooooooo many sistahs (married) one's are sitting in the church bound up, tied up and tangled in knotts, because of marrital problems. 3 things that completes a marriage (1) Communication(2)Finances (3)Intimacy, one missing you have a problem, 2 serious problems 3 either fix it or separate and make him feel it if he wants you he will get out there and make it work. I Send my prayers for you to do you.
I really feel bad to know the pastor is just telling her to pray and is inadequate in the sense that he cannot offer this family nothing more.
He himself, needs to equipped, as there are many families who are going this problem in the churches, because, unfortuantely, it is a silent epidemic.
There obviously is a reason as to why this young man refuses to work.
Does he view women as a meal ticket, or is he just plain, unadulterated lazy? What were his past relationships like.
Did he tend to be with women who catered to his every whim, and thus feels that now, even though he is in the church, the sceniero is no different. He the male, should continue to assume this role?
This is obviously a christian who is a hearer of the Word, but definately, not a doer of the Word.
Personally, I think she should stand up in the middle of the church service one day, and just tell the entire church, that he refuses to work..
Who knows, that may shake him up a bit..
I agree with the person that suggested to first have your spouse checked physically or mentally for depression. If indeed it is Amotivation which is a common symptom of depression then there possibly may be some help available, thru medications or therapy. If it is laziness and lack of self discipline then the Bible speaks of that as worst than an infidel. Sit down and Negotiate and Contract with your husband. Create an organized presentation as to how this instability makes you feel and the effects on the marriage. He needs to understand the behavior that he's modeling to the children as well as it's impact spiritually. Finally, once you have expressed your feelings, listen to his perspective and then actually write a written contract as to the solutions to the problem whether they include: Example: he must work for the upcoming year at least a part time job the entire year and then transition to a full time position...etc...You all decide the terms then have him sign it, date it, and pray over it daily or weekly so that it stays before both of you and God. God Bless you and be encouraged.
Steph
I wonder to myself, if anything is really wrong with this man.
I mean, if you really think about it, some spouses, know how to manipulate a situation to their advantage, and this could be the case.
Who knows.
I just cannot beleive that this man would just sit at home and refuse to work.
How are they eating. Does the wife have to request assistance from the gov to feed the family? Obviously he doesnt have any pride and is contented to continue to be the way how he is.
Yes, he does need a bit of counselling, but definately from an outside source.
I know in my heart that he knows that what he is advocating for cannot be the right thing if he is hearing the Word of God everyday.
Its just that somewhere along the line he has learnt that if he has a capable wife, he can sit back and relax
Who knows? Maybe he had a capable mother too.
It is difficult to give advice without assessing the root of the problem and get his perspective of what the presenting issue is. My advice to you is to have a heart to heart talk with your husband and let him know how you are being affected by his behavior and the strain on your marriage. And most importantly how your children are being affected by this.
Listen to your husband and be sensitive because his issues may be deeper than you think.
Always show your husband utmost respect, regardless of what the sutuation maybe. you don't want to aggravate the situation.
My last piece of advice is to have a family meeting where every member of the family can discuss what their perceive role(s) are as member of the family. Then write a FAMILY PLAN that clearly states goals and objectives for each member of the family. The tasks each person must complete for the better advancement of the family. Remember to include time frames when these objective(s) should be met. Then have each person sign the contract. Remember tht goals and objectives should be feasible. Continue to hold family meeting where you can discuss and evaluate the plan. Make necessary adjustments when needed.
Always pray before and after each meeting and ask god for guidance.
As I read the account of this mother of four I find myself questioning the background of the father. Regardless of anything that may be going on within the home certainly he should feel a responsibility to his children. The situation has gone beyond the two of them, "just working it out". They are in need of Godly counsel.
I know they have spoken to their pastor, as a Pastor myself, I know that most pastors have neither the background nor the time to resolve deep-rooted problems. If willing, a professional Christian counselor may be of help to them. The pastor can greatly assist through a life of prayer, fasting, and encouragement.
After saying all this, what does the wife do in the meantime? I applaud her commitment to her family. Not having met either of the parties it is difficult to assess what went wrong and how and what to seek for God's touch of healing. I would appreciate the opportunity to meet both mom and dad that together God's solution to this crisis might be sought.
I do know there are some very difficult situations, but none that God cannot fix. Our prayers for a breakthrough are with each of the six (the children must not be lost in the midst of this crisis) locked into this dilemma.
Sista Elliott - I was delaying my reply on this, because it really calls for the wisdom of God. Firstly my heart goes out to this woman, she sounds like a devoted and Godly wife who is submissive to her husband and one who is trying to be a good Christian wife under extremely trying circumstances. she really needs to be commended for her efforts.
With my natural mind, I have very little compassion for this man. I really want to say that she should let some of her biological brothers *counsel* de brother, in a corner if needs be, but, I will restrain myself. (smile)
Unless he has a disability, this man should be relentless in his efforts to work and provide for his family. I think the root of his problem is irresponsibility coupled with laziness, and I would not be surprised if there is a pattern of such behavior in his own family of origin. he is not demonstrating godly love towards his wife with this irresponsible behavior. He is actually placing burdens upon her thats not intended for her. I wonder if he knows the scripture that says Eph 5:25 "Husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it".
I would agree with you that divorce is not the answer in this situation, but the wife needs a lot of prayer, emotional and spiritual support from her Church. She needs counselling- for herself, and also together as a couple. Either way she needs something. I would put the pressure on the Church in requesting prayer and a possible fast for her..
She also needs God's strength to walk through this valley- cus without it, she will most probably get burned out, fed up, and eventually walk away from the marriage despite her best intentions to stay within it If there is a men's group in her Church and the Pastor knows of the situation- the brothers should be walking with the husband.....and urging him, by taking him to interviews and giving referrals and doing whatever they can...to physically encourage him to work. He has a problem, and I think there are many devils at work in his situation. He needs to be held accountable for his actions - no ifs, ands or buts, especially since there are children involved.
This IS an abusive relationship. This man IS hurting his wife and family- and he is not being obedient to God either. From what I can see- this man is only using his wife- and as long as she stays within the marriage without a heartfelt change on his part, the abuse will continue.
Men, usually find it quite easy to do what they need to do when there are no other options. She may have to withdraw herself from the marriage for a season, continue to do for herself and for her family as she has been doing and allow him to fend for himself. This way by letting him carry his own weight, out there, *by himself*, he may be more inclined to do what he needs to do for his family upon his return.
Lastly though, I feel that once his heart is right with God, and his attitude correct as regards 2 life and marital responsibility, it may be fitting at that time to consider reconciliation and restoration of the marriage. this is a tuff situation, and my heart really goes out to this sista in the Lord as she goes thru this struggle..
I believe that the situation may have a bit of depth to it that cannot be answered without knowing the family.
I read all of the responses to see if any were similar to what I would say and was surprised that many advised the wife to work with her husband. I feel that if he isn't working to alleviate the stress she feels, he may not be willing to sit down and talk about his lack of motivation...fear can often be very gripping and it may be as simple as him being far more afraid of failure than taking a chance...it sounds very simple and for those of us that can't imagine not caring properly for our families, its hard to fathom.
I talk to individuals from all walks of life and in all kinds of situations and those who seem to be in the most dire of straits and need the most help often didn't follow through with a lead or face up to a large challenge.
Its possible that one year turned to 2 and then it was 8...
I am not excusing his behavior, but attempting to understand it.
At the same time, I think if counseling with a spiritual advisor doesn't seem possible, standing up in front of the family of your church should be an option.
As a spiritual community of people, we should support women who take on the burden of a 'joint venture' as well as the man that can't face the daunting size of his responsibility. There is no challenge given that we cannot complete, as long as we have faith in our own spirit and our own higher power.
shawna
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