In response to my posting on Decisions, anonymous dropped the following comment, "I finally realize I married the wrong person. I made my decision off of
romance (Fantasy). Reality is coming to light and now I realize I have
become what I am supposed to be and my spouse is mad cause we can't live in Wonderland anymore. I can't satisfy my spouse's emotions nor her dreams. What can I do to get out of this bad decision? everyone in the real world says
she is killing me and my family. "
It sounds like someone else is trying to end a marriage.
I am becoming extremely disturbed by the number of marriages I see ending in separation and divorce. I don't have the time to research the statistics, but I don't think we need the statistics. Each one of us can just look around at our own personal network of friends and family and see examples.
Let me say this: I've been married 12 years now, and not one of those years has gone by that where I didn't want to pack my bags and roll out. And I'm sure my wife would say the same. I think any honest husband or wife would admit that such a sentiment comes up every now and then.
Marriage is tough. So tough that you'll wanted to quit and say, "It's just not worth it!" Marriage is arguably the most difficult of all human relationships. It's not just about fantasy and romance. It's about commitment and sacrifice...and endurance.
So yes, I am a strong proponent of whatever it takes to make our marriages work. No, I don't think anyone should remain in abusive relationships, but I think, as a culture, we've gotten real soft as to what we call abuse.
Find a way to make it work so that both parties are excited again about the relationship. We owe it to ourselves, our children, our communities to make our marriages work.
17 comments:
It amazes me how everything is wonderful during the dating stage, but one we say 'I DO' the COVENANT seems impossible to manage and sustain. What if we took it back to the basics of the dating stage... and not fall back on the excuses of the kids, work, tiredness, etc (b/c we all know that when we dating, there was other "stuff" that filled our plates, but we worked around it)? Is that asking too much?
Well, every married couple that I know agrees that making it works takes some real skill and perseverance. It wasn't going to be easy, we know that from God's prophesy in the garden when He told Eve (who had just sinned) that her desire would be to her husband. But HE also said that HIS grace is sufficient unto us... so, and I speak for myself, stop looking at the problem (him or her) and look at the FIXER (JESUS). Sometimes, God may not fix the problem but HE will fix you. You never know, but that spouse that you can't seem to make do what you want, may be the vessel that is used to make YOU do what GOD wants.
Is it easy? Emphatically not! However, with God we are all conquerors and that means no matter what if you stick with God and not do your own thing, you will come out victorious, be it a better marriage or just a better YOU! With love, I humbly submit...Shevaun
What I've been told from individuals who have stayed together 20, 30, 40+ years, is that the salvaging mechanism is often compromise. There are situations where individuals will simply allow their spouse to have complete control on certain issues just to maintain the peace because the alternative would be too painful on several levels. I find this particularly in settings where church standards dictate that there can be no divorce and remarriage. Thus in an effort to remain in good standing with the church, folks have just resigned themselves to remain in unfulfilled relationships in an effort to maintain appearances. So year after year, you have people going through the motions and filling the void created by a lifeless marriage with other things for which they have a real passion (i.e., work, ministry, political interests, sports, etc.)
If other Religions and cultures can arrange marriages and make it work. Then why can't we, who marry someone we know and supposedly love, make the marriage work. Marriage is a give and take. Both husband and wife must both give and take and not take too or give too much but equally. Every problem has a solution.
You raise an interesting issue. Is it possible that arranged marriages work better than "self-selected" marriages based on our concept of love?
Is it possible that our fantasy of marital bliss is so unattainable that we doom our relationships to failure? My guess is that individuals that are a part of arranged marriages go into it with a different set of expectations.
The scripture says "If we be willing....." speaking of our salvation, but it can be applied here. Both parties have to be willing to make it work it is not a one way street and anything worth working on will work out in the long haul.
In my case losing my mind for someone that wants to continue to live in a western (christian) mind set of fantasy and romance is not worth destroying the last bit of Man I am. I have been torn with the systems created to demoralize the black male. One is the western marriage system. 2 is the religion. (Oh doc hang on in there)or (Your Spiritually Weak). How about I am strong enough to let a weed go and move on to a conducive life. Marriage should be FUNCTIONAL. both parties bring something to the table and are able to contribute to the family ideal. Both work within there respective roles.
Compromise contradicts the scriptures regarding structure of marriage in the Bible. God=Christ=Man=Woman.
I'm not sure which Bible you guys are reading. But my Bible states that a man is supposed to be a covering for his wife, and not abandon her. Neither fantasy-laden concepts of marriage nor organized religion are RESPONSIBLE for you taking a vow to be with your wife. Be a real man. Patiently, lovingly, and with sincere understanding be a husband to your wife like Christ is to the Church.
Can someone explain to me how the western marriage system and religion demoralize the Black man?
Nichelle is absolutely correct. And, I too would like to understand how the western culture and religion has demoralized the black man. It sounds to me that this is an attempt to place blame and not take responsiblilty for your role as a black man, or any man, to be quite frank.
It has been taught for so long that wives should submit unto their husbands, but teachers have failed to reinerate the point that husbands should love their wives as Christ so "Dearly" loved (and died for) the church. What greater love is there?
I have been more than vocal on my position on the institution of marriage.
Marriage is tough because it is an institution based on spiritual and noble principles, but is upheld by very fallible and carnal human beings. I am not shocked that over half of marriages end in divorce because more often than not, you have two people-- who have no earthly idea of what to do with themselves--becoming a union.
In typical American fashion, we assume that more is better. We assume that two basket cases united before God is stronger than one basket case alone. I am not sure whether I was taught this form of math in high school, but the logic seems a bit flawed to me.
Further, several of us folks subscribe to the notion that we'd rather have a piece of a trifling somebody rather than all of nothing. We take the proverbial dice of life and roll them and pray to God that we don't hit snake-eyes. We elect chance as the captain of our destiny rather than God's wisdom and prudence. We don't do our homework. We fail to perform a thorough character analysis FIRST on ourselves and then on our fiance. We just pray to God that we will pass the test of character. maturity, and fortitude when it comes to marriage. We hold fast to the power of prayer.
However, the Bible is crystal clear about faith without works. Faith without works is dead; this tenet is not subject to negotiation. The universal laws of faith and works can not be violated, no matter how well-intentioned we are. We know better than that and we know our God ain't having that! He would deem that a foolish act.
It is often too late when we realize that we are ill-equipped to handle all of the responsibilities of marriage because we have yet to adequately address our bad habits and flawed character. We tell lies at the altar and hope to eschew accountability by blame-storming when the "hot mess" ensues. Or worse, some of us rearrange the deck chairs on a sinking Titanic, while others abandon ship all together without notifying any other passengers on board.
We honestly believe that being with somebody who is not good for us is inherently better than us being single and patient and working on our character in the meantime.
We have subscribed to some very interesting social programming as a template for our lives. The $1,000,000 question is when do we either plan to change the provider of our programming or at the very least change the damn channel.
We subscribe to the notion of being single as this primordial sin. It connotes that something must be wrong with us if we haven't found that "special someone" by a certain age. Nothing could be further from the truth. We can not rush our call to the alter. Further, we can not answer a call that God hasn't made yet!
The truth of the matter is when we lower the "standards" bar of who can board our cruise ship of marriage, we conversely accept the fact that we are lowering our expectations for success. And lowered expectations rarely lead to contentment or satisfaction.
In fact, it typically leads to resentment and eventual disappointment because we end up caring for a dependent who masquerades as a spouse. There is nothing worse than being overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. Way too many people are caught in this maelstrom of a marriage and are consequently at their wits end. They end up quoting Mariah Carey and Cedric The Entertainer by thinking, "Wait a minute, this is TOO deep!" and "What is we gonna do?"
You can't give what you don't have. If you don't love yourself enough, then honestly, you can't give pure love to someone else. If you don't know who YOU ARE, then you are abusing your spouse because he/she has only 24 hours to live TWO lives, since you refuse to live your own.
And further, if you haven't taken the time to establish your true identity beyond the facade that you project during dating, we are going to have a nightmare of a marriage when your facade collapses upon revelation of the truth. And at that point, you will have nothing REAL or substantial to fall back upon.
Ugh!
Marriage ain't for the faint of heart, so I will take my sweet ole time before I even let the words, "I do" leave my pursed lips.
WOW!!!!
First thought comes to mind is how long did it take to come to their decision / conclusion?
Did he throughout the course talk with his spouse? Did she know that potentially there was a problem?
You see by my experience I've come to realize that I cannot assume that because things are not "Great" or "Wonderful" all the time that that gives me a license to walk or run. God intended "Man" and "Woman" to marry and share everything not just something’s.
I agree that marriage can be difficult and at times right down unbearable however this is in our eyes. You see if we concentrate on what our Father requires as opposed to what we require than I think our outlook and mindset will realign with His desires and pleasures for His creation.
The word commitment comes up a lot and should however before you can commit you first must follow instructions. I believe this is where we go astray, we know there is a problem with commitment but if we dig a little deeper we'll see that it is actually not following instructions that cause the disruptions.
God has clearly laid out His plan for marriage and in order to be successful we must follow His plan.
Remember your signed contract is binding not just with “man” but with the “Almighty”
God Bless,
I agree totally with AG. But I think the real issue is not the sanctity of marriage and whether or not to divorce. The original post states that the man believes that he cannot be himself. He realized that he played the dating game in order to embark on a reality based show called marriage. Dating, within itself, truly is a fantasy. We put on our best costumes and start acting out our parts of perfect persons. In fact, as we play, we determine what the other character needs or desires in order to keep the fantasy going. But once you marry, the costumes come off. And that's when the relationship truly begins. I don't think it is such a bad thing for him to divorce if he really is not himself. Because if he stays in it, he will likely be propelled into other bad decsions through stress - infedility, alcohol, etc. And that will just enable the other person to live the fantasy and he will create a bigger fiasco because the truly will come out. It can either come out now - with his wife's feelings hurt and maybe a few financial setbacks. Or come out later - with a love child, bitter wife, child support, drama, and other messes.
Marriage - is real. Dating is not. The married mindset is terribly different from the dating mindset. And it takes a different type of preparation. Dating is just fun and games. Marriage is about responsibility, is complex, and is challenging. With dating you can get off the gameboard whenever you get tired of playing. If you make a bad choice, you call it quits, and blame the other players or the game. With marriage, you are permanently on the board. You are accountable and you must be continually aware of yourself and your own moves in order to be successful - whether the other players are good or not. In dating, your players can be physically attractive and just exciting to be around. And since you can end the game at any point, you can be as superficial about your players and even your choices in the game. You have very little to lose. In marriage, it is not easy to end the game at any time, and superficial choices can make it harder to end the game and even harder to stay in the game. Imagine that? Like the twilight zone - you can turn your heaven quickly into a hell.
My take on it? If you want to marry, prepare yourself and your mind by spending time with married people. Understand yourself and what you need. Spend less time dating and more time preparing and practicing.
I am single and never been married but the subject is interesting so I will try to put my two sense in it. One writer wrote that marriage is an equal commitment/give and take. I think it is important for married couples as well as those inticipating on marriage be mindful that there will be time when things will not be 50/50 AND ONE MUST BE PREPARE FOR THAT. There will be instances, when a wife maybe able to just to put only 20% and it is up to the husband if he has that 80% to put on the table TO MAKE THINGS WORK; there will be instances when the wife will put all 100% to carry the weight of her husband, understand this is what we are called for as husbands and wives. But most important it is important to build your relationship from the beginning on strong, solid rock foundations to withstand the storms that you will face in a marriage.
My advice to you my brother is to go to GOD, stay faithful and wait on the LORD..HE ALWAYS ANSWER PRAYER.
whew...
reading this stuff is absolutely a mouthful.
I dont know whether or not to respond or to just sit back and stay quiet.
I was particularily fascinated with AG's comment about two basket cases tying the knot. That was classic!!
However, (tum, tu-tu-tu- tummmmmm)I have to admit that when one gets into a marriage, one doesnt know "exactly" what to do. You really do have to find out many things thru trial and error. And that, my dears, can take many, many years.
Do you know that it wasnt till recently that I found out that my spouse is really a lousy bowler?? I mean, (without hanging all my laundy out)he told me that he was basically the best at every sport that he does, and of course I beleive it.
I mean, the kids "beat" him and they had the gutter guards at the alley up!!
Go figure..
but anyhoo, without sidelining this conversation and going into the good benefits of marriage..please people...
carry on!! (lol)
Sista Elliott
PS..
anyone who mentions to my spouse about the bowling incident will be dead meat.
Thank you!
I often think about how the generation of people who are now in their 70's and up stuck together in marriage. But the younger generation just cannot seem to make it. I know that we are a generation that seeks "self happiness" above everything else. We seem to think that if we are not happy, then we are not in God's will. If Jesus and the disciples thought like this, there would be no institution called the Church. They suffered throughout their lives that we would have the church. The older generation accepted their marriage as final and they stuck it out and made the best of it. That's what committment is all about.
But we do not want to suffer. We forget about committment and focus on whether or not we are happy - this is wrong.
Additionally, people are marrying for the wrong reasons. The comments about "arranged marriages" were interesting. But, American Christians would be the worst people to select marriage partners for other people. They think that if a sister has a pretty singing voice then she should automatically marry a minister so that she can sing before he preaches. THIS IS UTTER FOOLISHNESS! What if he backslides? What if she loses her voice? Then what good are they to one another?
People in the church today seem to marry based on natural talent and spiritual gifts. This is asking for trouble!
I can relate to the brother that said that now that he has become who God intended him to be, he and his wife are not compatible. People have to allow God to bless them with the mate that is right for their unfolding destiny, not who they know in the church who seems right for where they are now.
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